Wishful
by xoxoAnibelle
Summary: Emma doesn't want to like him. Emma has enough problems on her, without fancying a womanizer. She really doesn't. She's in denial at first. And finally, she accepts the fact. The fact that she fancies Sirius Black. But, as she concludes miserably, she doesn't seem to have much of a chance with him. Or does she?
1. Realization

_AN: Okay, this is my third attempt at writing a fanfic, my first two being complete failures. So, now I'm starting a new one. Yay. I know my writing isn't amazing or anything, but it's not bad enough to make anyone want to gouge their eyes out or yank out all their hair or anything(lol). So anyway, if you don't totally hate this, pleeeeeease review. Seriously. I will promise that my writing will be way better and chapters more frequent and long if a lot of people review. Cuz it's motivating, not cuz I'm blackmailing anyone. Oh, and one more thing: The way I have it planned out, this story is going to be really long. So anyway, read, enjoy and REVIEW._

~oOo~

No.

I _didn't. _I didn't like Sirius Black. Not in that way. I didn't _fancy _him. I didn't. That Oh-So-Familiar fluttering, plummeting sensation that I had experienced so little over the years, but had come to know and hate, no _absolutely _loathe, despise, and dread wasn't the same feeling as the one I had felt just now as I looked at _him. _ No, I decided, I had experienced that feeling just now, not because I liked Sirius Black, but because… because…

I came up blank.

I tried again. It was different. What I had just felt, was like falling from the sky, instead of how the feeling I got when I fancied someone was more like falling from a skyscraper. That wasn't convincing. No, nat at all. I… I was getting sick! I thought triumphantly. That's what I had felt. But, then came the nagging feeling of doubt: why had the feeling only occurred when I looked at Sirius?

A coincidence? I thought feebly.

IMPOSSIBLE! The voice of doubt screamed back at me.

NO! No I did not fancy Sirius Black. Impossible. Insane.

In fact, I thought, the very idea that I would like _Sirius Bloody Black _in that way was hysterical. I was containing my laughter at the thought, I told myself.

But nothing, nothing, seemed funny at all.

I couldn't fancy Sirius Black. He was a player. A Marauder. I, only in the past, had fancied boys that I actually had a chance with, that possibly liked me back. I mean sure, Sirius was handsome, hot even. Possibly the most out of any boy at Hogwarts…

NO! I thought frantically. Don't think about that.

I didn't fancy him. I was, of course, logical, level-headed.

The voice of doubt in my head was busting a gut laughing. Liar, it was shouting back at me.

Shut up, I thought back, furious.

"Emma?"

"Uh… oh… um, yeah?"

"Aren't you, oh, I dunno, put that in your mouth?"

Lily's voice jerked me out of the swirling depths of my mind and back to reality.

"Huh?"

"Oh nevermind, there's nothing to put in your mouth anyway." Lily sounded irritated.

"Oh!" I exclaimed in dismay, upon realizing that I was holding my spoon halfway to my mouth. The oatmeal in had contained at one point has dripped down onto the other food on my plate.

"I can fix it. I know plenty of spells that would do it." Lily reached for her wand. 

"Its fine, I'm not hungry anyways." I held up my hand for her to stop.

Because I'm SICK and DON'T fancy bloody Sirius, I thought forcefully.

"Who care's about Emma's food. What I want to know is why Em looked like she was thinking so hard. I mean, she never thinks, cept' when we are devising a prank-" Perry, another best friend of mine, stopped at the word prank. We had promised Lily we would stop with the pranks.

"I Think!" I blurted, hoping Lily hadn't noticed Perry's mess-up.

"I play Chaser! I'm better at Lily and Sage at Transfigurations, Charms and Defense Against The Dark Arts!" Which was a feat to be proud of. Besting Lily and Sage in any class was not easy, since Lily was so talented, and since Sage, the fourth member of our group, was such a genius. She loved books, and her nose was buried in a big one even now, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Bot nothing escaped Lily's notice.

Lily's face colored. Her eyes narrowed. Lily was dangerous when she looked like this.

"You!" she snarled.

"You promised me!" Lily's eyes blazed.

"I'm a prefect! I can't have friends pulling this kind of immature nonsense!" Lily sputtered. Her dark red hair seemed a shade redder. Her green eyes looked positively murderous. I tuned out of Lily and Perry's argument, even though it concerned me in a big way. I had other things on my mind.

I stared at Sage. Sweet, quiet Sage. With her pale, pretty face. Wide, thick lashed hazel eyes, and wavy black hair. Sage who would never fancy Sirius.

No!No! I didn't fancy him! I don't, I don't, I don't! Not Sirius Black, never, never, never! I was focused on my thoughts so completely, the world around me seemed to get hazier, my mind was NOTHING but these thoughts, I was waging war on myself. I wanted to scream with frustration.

"You're just like them!" Lily was snarling.

"What do they call themselves? The Marauders? Fitting isn't it? Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter." She spoke the last name with so much venom, even Sage looked up from her book.

"Remus Lupin is a prefect." Perry snorted.

Sirius.

Sirius.

Sirius.

I didn't fancy him, I didn't.

"Help me out here Emi!" Perry turned to me, exasperated. Mostly everyone on the Gryffindor table was staring at us. Ignoring Lily, I turned, staring around me. His eyes met mine. And there it was. The Twinge. This time, it was unmistakable. And suddenly, crushing pressure. My mind, my thoughts, it felt like they were exploding. My breath became faster, louder. There was a roaring noise in my ears, steadily becoming louder.

I had to get out of here.

"I'mgoingtobesick." I blurted. I shoved back from the table so hard, that food from my plate spattered onto the table. And, really feeling sick, let my legs carry me, senselessly, to the huge double doors, that banged shut behind me as I shoved past them.

~oOo~

Breathe Emma. Breeeathe. I told myself. I had smushed myself up against the wall in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. It was calm and quiet. Exactly what I wanted. The only sounds were that of Myrtle sobbing quietly in her toilet, and the steady dripping of a leaky faucet.

Why Sirius? I had never liked that kind of boy before. It puzzled me. I sat there, silently pondering this.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

He wasn't my type.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

He was a heartbreaker.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

But a very hot heartbreaker.

Drip, Drip, Drip.

But why?

Drip, Drip, Drip

In a flash, I pulled out my wand, thrusting it toward the leaking sink. In a cloud of smoke and fire, the sink was blasted to bits. Pieces or porcelain flew everywhere, hitting the walls and floors with soft clinks.

Moaning Myrtle screamed, and started crying louder.

I was tempted to blow her toilet's stall door off.

I had always had a talent for magic like that. Nonverbal, completely intentional, but required no spell.

Clink. The sound was soft, but in my silence it seemed loud. I jerked my head up, my eyes searching the bathroom.

Nothing. I was going crazy, I was sure of it.

I sighed. I fancy Sirius Black. I fancy Sirius Black. I fancy Sirius Black.

Sirius.

Bloody.

Black.

Disgusting. Utterly revolting. Lily, Perry, or Sage would never, ever, never ever ever, even have thoughts of fancying Sirius Black.

I was dysfunctional.

Delusional.

Disastrous.

I couldn't let them know, that was for sure. Lily, Perry and Sage were my best friends, but they couldn't know.

I'd best get my stuff from the dorm. Standing up, I stared at myself in the mirror. Blonde hair, that was something between curly and wavy. Bangs. Dark blue eyes. Not Sirius's type, that was for sure. He went for pretty, dark haired girls or a traditional, desirable blonde: Straight hair, without dramatic bangs, normal pale blue eyes. I sighed, again, and smoothed down my school uniform.

"Bye Myrtle."

"Buh-buh-b-bye." Myrtle wailed back.

~oOo~

I slipped into McGonagall's class at the last second. It had only taken ten minutes to run up to the deserted Gryffindor tower to grab my stuff, but I had just sat down when the door banged open and Professor Mcgonagall strode in. I had been in the bathroom longer than I thought.

"Where were you?" Lily hissed.

Ever inquiring Lily.

"Being Sick." I responded.

"You should go to Madam Pomfrey's." Lily's irritation faded.

That was Lily for you. Fiery, irritable, but caring and kind at the same time. An odd combination.

"I'm fine." Except for the fact that I've gone mental. I added silently, in my head.

Lily raised an eyebrow, but turned back to Professor McGonagall.

I stared off into the distance, Professor McGonagall's voice slipping past me. I played with my fingers, staring at the back of Sirius's head.

It was like that for the rest of the day, me not paying attention in my classes.

In Potions, I stirred my calming potion the wrong way, along with making a dozen other mistakes. It exploded.

In The History of Magic, I set a desk on fire. It was the first accidental magic I had done in years.

In Defense Against The Dark Arts, I realized I was supposed to be writing an essay 30 minutes after we were supposed to have started.

For some reason, I never noticed, how in all my classes, I sat behind Sirius. Why? Except for History of Magic. In that class, Sirius sat behind ME. I was so tense, I accidentally set that desk on fire. Lucky for me, no one figured out it was me who did it, or was sitting at the desk.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted.

I had spent the duration of Transfigurations thinking of wild, crazy ideas that would explain The Twinge.

During Defense Against The Dark Arts, wondering, well, why?

In The History of Magic, thinking, knowing, and totally accepting the fact that: I didn't have a chance with him.

During lunch, I only stopped muttering strings of swear words under my breath to shove a few forkfuls of salad into my mouth so Lily, Perry, and Sage wouldn't drag me off to Madam Pomfrey's.

By the time I had finished with Herbology and Divination after lunch, I was so exhausted, no thanks to the war I was having with my mind, the only thing I could think was why, why, why?

I practically ran to the girl's dorm in Gryffindor tower after I had finished all my classes.

And when I got there, without bothering to change, shower, eat or do my homework, I dove into my bed, pulled the covers snugly over my head, and fell asleep instantly.

~oOo~

_AN(again):Thats it for now, hope no one gouged their eyes out or yanked out all their hair._


	2. Author's Note

Obviously, this isnm sorry guys, this is an announcement, and Im really unhappy with this story, but at the same time I love it. I just think it could be WAY better. So anyway, Im deleting everything except for chapter one, which I actually like. Im really sorry, but I am trying to improve my writing. Thanks, and I hope you guys like the new chapters as much as the old ones, hopefully more.


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